My Turning point – the Candian

As I look back over 2014 I am well aware that this has been a turning point in my life.  Taking time to have an adventure and as it turns out, find myself (I was in Ireland, the last place you ever think to look) I realize that, my search is over, that I have peace and forgiveness and a new idea of what is valuable to me.  I am willing to admit that part of me is scared but I am used to being scared but doing it anyway.  hahahahaha I am scared of having the great life I dream of, I am more scared of not letting myself have it.  I am scared of great love, I am more scared of not having it.  I am scared of my gifts and abilities, I am more scared of denying them.  I am scared of success, I am more scared of sabotaging myself.

I have learned how I have been strongly independent but now want to be strong enough to lean on others.  I have learned that I love to give but now I am learning how to love receiving.  I have learned I have power but now I have learned that my attitude can dictate my life.

For as long as I can remember I have always known that certain things in life would not come along until I was older, over 40.  Then I worked with a young woman who came from a long line of palm readers and she told me that I would have 2 very different and distinctive lives and that i would know when one life ended and the other one started.  I can tell you now that I know for sure that 2014 was one life ending and another starting.  I look the same and yep some of the same habits run through both lives but still the shift of this year has been so fundamental that I can see with new eyes, or maybe it is just that I now see with my soul 🙂

I will not morn the lost and wasted years, I will instead be most grateful that I have had this transformation at all and that I still have so many years (please and thank you) to live in this new light.

I hope you 2014 has been filled with great joy, laughter and light and the 2015 bring more of the same.

you are valid

I have spent most of my life seeking the stamp of approval. From all kinds of people in all kinds of way. I so desperately wanted someone to say I was good enough…to love, to receive, to be accepted, to be me. Well somewhere in Ireland I got my stamp of approval and it came from myself and the universe. Something changed out there in the Irish country side inside of me and I now stand before you fully and without question knowing that I have NOTHING TO PROVE, I am good enough just as I am. I think, I will love myself if no one else will and I will accept myself if no one else will and I will understand and support myself if no one else will. The funny thing is that now that I am in a place of acceptance of myself, others may see it and most likely will be drawn to me because of it and I will no longer be the only one who can see my value.
As I spend time talking to people after returning from Europe I am saddened by how many people don’t see their own value. They see it in their friends, spouses, kids but in themselves they can not.
What ever you want, don’t want, need, don’t need, desire, don’t desire is valid, perfectly valid. Consider this your stamp of approval. We are valuable, every last one of us. You are enough, most certainly enough. Take that in, breathe it, live it, enjoy it, accept it. ❤

The Canadian dates

So part of coming back to Canada after a year in Europe is opening myself up to things that scare me.  And that includes dating, funny I know.  I mean who is scared of dating??? well it not the dating per say it is the fear of intimacy…..I know that is usually a statement made by men.  But you might be surprised by the number of women who deal with the same fear.  This could have come from, in my case, my Dad dying when I was 19 and not processing it properly.  Or from a man who abused the gift of intimacy in the past. Or from coming from a family where bad relationships was all the was exampled.

Oh and confession, I am more a Jane Austen then a porn star type.  In a world where people move so fast flings are over before they start, I feel like a duck out of water. hahaha

Anyways so I picked a dating site, the dating world now. hahahaha And I met a few men.  Some aggressive, some desperate, some lonely, some on the make, some just trying to get lucky and some nice.

I decided to say yes to all age groups, so I met men as young as 27 and as old as 56. and everything in between.

I went on many coffee dates and a few real dates, got propositioned and one guy who asked if he could get me pregnant. (yes I would like a family) but really.  wow.

Here is what I learned,

Some men were never taught how to treat women properly.  Some men now matter what inner struggle they deal with still believe in a fundamental kindness to others. Some men are selfish.  Some men are not.  Some men pride themselves in ways they have not earned (stop calling yourself a ladies man if you can not fulfill a women’s emotional needs).

Okay so here is the thing, I know that all of these things are my issue and maybe other women don’t have the same standard as me.  This is a thought that came to me early in this whole dating thing, so i did not take it upon myself to be a teacher to the men I thought needed a lesson.  I mean who knows maybe they will find women who like them just as they are.  And I guess that is really what this is all about, finding someone who like me just as I am and finding someone I like just as they are.  I mean if we all liked each other just as we are would that make finding a mate easier or harder???

So where does this leave me? well as it turns out in a better place then I started even though I did not meet the man of my dreams, yet, I learned somethings about what I want and don’t want, about who I am and who I am not.  And I learned that men are not to be feared, they like me have issues, are enjoyable and if they don’t treat me right I just say no thank you.  And that is quite a gift.

the canadian….10 years ago today

10 years ago today I starting my travel life. I bought my first plan ticket and I was on my way to Oahu, Hawaii. There I discovered the islands beauty, the people, the north shore and Diamond head (I’ve been to the top).
I had no idea then that I would travel every chance I could for the next 10 years. I also did not know that that road would lead me to the life changing experience I found in Ireland. And that I would be sitting in a hostel in Galway and realize that my traveling days (well at least the backpack searching traveling) was numbered.
The journey of these years have taken me to so many places giving me so many stories and memories that I actually get the stories mixed up. ˝No I could not have been in San Diego for Canada day˝ hahahaha And the people I have met along the way… some have marked me for life(in a good way) and some I am lucky enough to still keep in touch with.
I think back, and I am most grateful to that girl for dreaming and having the guts to make that dream come true. It opened the door to so much more, what started out as a simple plane ride has lead to me finding myself, forgiveness and finally healing.
I believe I still have a lot of living to do and I can not wait to see what comes to me but if I should lay my head down and not wake I want it known that I am so glad that my 30s were filled so wonderfully with new places, people and experiences. I forever know I am blessed.

Bravery

People call me brave for traveling alone but I think that there is something to be said for those who chose to travel with a partner for a significant amount of time.  It is easy to get a long and play nice for a week but to manage to not kill someone when you are stuck with them for 3,6 or 12 months is a miracle.  Being alone is yes brave and at times lonely.  But at least I can do what I want when I want without having to consider another person.  I don’t have to go places I would rather not, I don’t have to eat food that I helped pay for that I don’t even want or sleep in a room and not feel obligated to talk to someone if I don’t want to.  I can spend time alone for days if I want that.
Now don’t get me wrong I don’t think all travel partners are difficult, I have met some that are working out just fine and it is wonderful to be around them but some you can see that the last thing that they want is to spend another min with this person and have still weeks or months before the plane wheels touch down at home and they can separate.
So here is to the equally brave partner traveler.
If you are traveling together and have no plan for time apart, then I tip my hat to you, my friend.

the searcher figure out what she was searching for

I have spent a great deal of my life searching, for what? I had no idea but I kept moving from place to place and then traveling place to place hoping I would recognize it when I found it.  As it turned out I had to take a whole journey and then come home to see the difference in me that I realized was the very thing I was searching for.  It would seem I found it somewhere I Ireland, I think, hahahaha but did not know it until I was on a date the other night and realized I was observing myself.  And I thought wow this woman is actually happy and Calm and interesting and sure of herself and without fear.  Don’t get me wrong I still experience fear and self consciousness and panic hahahaha but before they were the main staples of my behaviour diet.  But that has ended and what replaces it was brought about during my year in Europe and each step letting me get more comfortable with finally being who I really am.  That trip to Europe, the taking of that time really put me together (I would say back together but was I really ever whole??????) I don’t recall a time when I was.  Maybe as a kid but I lost it somewhere along the way.

If I think about how much money myself and others invest in our educations, homes, cars, and vacations I am left wondering why more people don’t think about investing that kind of money into ourselves?  Taking time away and just letting us meet ourselves.  Why are we willing to spend 4 years and $40,000 (my experience) in university or buy a $35,000 car but we will not take that same amount of money and let ourselves have a year, or however long it takes, to just come into ourselves, or find ourselves or how ever you think of it.

I really believe that my journey in its exact order was necessary for me to be ready for the 7 days of walking in Ireland where it all fell into place.

I know that I will do walking meditation (did not realize that that was what I was dong in Ireland) through out my life.  I have done a 2 day walk here in Canada and it has brought great things also.  There is something about being in nature carrying your supply on your back and only relying on your legs and determination to get you to your destination that allow for a internal shift that as far as I can tell is permanent.

 

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10 Things my mother said that I actually agree with

My mother like all mothers in the world did the best she could but of course made mistakes.  She has been gone now over 3 years but I wanted to take a moment and let the world know just a little of the good she left behind. 

In no particular order.

1) if someone is good enough to invite you to their home and cook for you, shut up and eat what they serve

2) All people need to know how to drive a standard (manual) vehicle.

3) All people are the same no matter the color of their skin or how they make a living.

4) Keep in mind, the person sharing maybe sharing their last. Don’t take it all.

5) Say Please and Thank you

6) leave it as good or better then you found it

7)  look for ways to help

8) be responsible for yourself

9) If someone take you in to their home, find a way to contribute

10) Respect goes a loooooonnnnggggg way

No judgement

 

One interesting thing I have noticed about my own personal changes is how others seem to be noticing or watching there own behaviours.  I am aware of this and in part think it is sad and a little funny.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not being mean, I just find it interesting that I too have done this in the past and I now realize it for the waste of time and self hurt it is. 

I have changed my eating habits and as a result I don’t think about food when I am not hungry, I blame the Irish country side and the 7 days walking pilgrim I took there.  hahahaha  Something changed in me there.  And suddenly I wanted to give up wheat and sugar.  I did a 7 day detox of wheat, not too bad as I will still drinking coke and eating chocolate.  But then I did a 7 day sugar detox….WAY harder. hahahaha  but I was committed.  My body did not want these things anymore and my brain was being retrained and in some cases just being told to stuff it.  hahahaha  hey you fight addiction how ever you have to.  Being a person who overcame my alcohol addiction in my early 20s I knew what this fight was all about. 

Anyway back to the story.  having spent time with friends and family since getting back to this country I see people watching me eat and then comparing what they are eating.  They are the only ones.  We are always so much harder on ourselves then on each other, don’t you think?  I am not, absolutely not, judging what is going in your mouth while we eat together.  I eat for myself and struggled with bad eating habits and trying to diet for most of my life.  I do not wish that on anyone, I say it took me 41 years for the breakthrough so I have no right nor no desire to judge anyone on their own journey.  You are hard enough on yourself and robing yourself of precious joy, I know because I have done it, that I refuse to rob you of anymore.  If you want the burger/onion rings/Slurpee or anything else eat it to the full enjoyment it brings you. 

 Now some may say that I am encouraging a unhealthy way of life.  Not true, but from personal experience I know that dealing with any addiction and changing ones life for good is one of the hardest things one can do for oneself.  And that so much self bashing and self shame and self hate can be involved that I will not partake in stripping anyone down.  I know how it feels when, perhaps, well meaning people make comments that cut to a place where your worst fears live.

You will only find love here.  Whether it be love, as you sit across from me eating spinach dip and bread or McDonalds or pizza (can you tell what I still think about hahahaha) or whatever, while I eat a fully loaded salad, or whatever I am eating with my water (with some fruit, hey I need interesting drink too. 😉 ) or because something has changed in you and you are ready for the fight of your life.  Love is all you will get, I think you deserve that. 

Live your best life and lose friends????

Travel for transformation: Having taken the time in my life to travel and find my peace, happiness and self, moving me farther along my path in living my best life. I am now noticing a side effect I did not expect.
No judgement at all but I am seeing that people I care about and love are having a hard time with me living my best life. It is almost funny that some either don’t know how to relate to me or are struggling with feelings they most likely did not expect upon learning of the changes that occurred during my across Europe travels.

I take full responsibility for this, after all I am the one who changed with out telling them. There was no preparation that I would see them again and not have the same habits and mindset that they were used to.

I mean how do you relate to a woman who eat completely different and has little interesting in dinning out, when that is the set pattern of your friendship? How do you deal with a woman who is radiating happiness, if you are struggling in your life situation? How do you share in new found joy if you feel like you are drowning in despair? How do you continue to be friends when one can not relate to the others transformation? How do you find things to talk about when the usual topics of lack, the past and maybe one day are no longer the language of one of the members of the pair?

It saddens me but I want my new found gifts more then I want people who are not able to understand and be supportive of them. I wish anyone who is leaving my life many blessing and I dearly hope that they understand that my changes were personal and hard won and have nothing to do with hurting anyone including them.

Tips for traveling across canada

Traveling across my own country has taught me a lot, this is just a little bit. Canada really is big. The people are divers. Some cities host visitors better then others.

There is a flight from Dublin Ireland to St. Johns Newfoundland, which is how I got myself back on Canadian soil. This is helpful if you are coming from Europe and want to travel across Canada for yourself. Many people choice to come into Canada through Toronto (a cheaper choice) but Toronto is very far from Nova Scotia (the last providence you can reach by car) Newfoundland will take an over night boat to get you there from Nova Scotia. From Toronto to Nova Scotia will take about 18 hours, when driving.

General observations about
the east coast:
A lot of places in this part of the country in not prepared for Budget traveler or back packer.
– A lack of Hop on Hop off buses and affordable tours is frustrating.
– A lack of varied accommodations could leave you stranded if you do not book ahead or wish to extend your stay in the summer.
– As a off season traveler, I was disappointed to learn that some hostels are closed in the winter and you would have to pay for a hotel, if you wanted to see the winter beauty.
– The only option for getting from province to province is bus. There is a train for some of it but that is expensive and not done by local back packers.
– There is a lot of natural beauty in this part of the country but no way to access it without a car

The Quebec and Ontario provinces,
– French is not mandatory in Quebec
– Montreal is the city most tourist visit
– Ontario is a really big province and will take a few days to cross on the bus
– Greyhound is the main bus across the country (from Toronto to Vancouver) and there service can be disappointing at times as they have cut services. All buses have Wi-Fi (if working) and are equipped with Toilets.
– Toronto is in Ontario

The Prairies, Manitoba, Saskatewan and (Alberta):
– 2 provinces often overlooked by locals and visitors a like (we are all forgiven as sometimes you have to make choices)
– Both have cities, small towns and country side to see

Alberta:
– Calgary with brings folks from all over the world for the stampede
– Edmonton with the world biggest mall
– Jasper and Banff, World famous National parks

British Columbia:
– Vancouver
– Victoria
– Whistler
need I say more

Northern provinces, Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut:
– The ignored provinces, well not completely. It is beautiful in the summer I hear and there if you wish to bravely head north.

Exploring this country by bus will take days and days and days.

Province to provinces we are nice but some of us talk with an accent or dialect that each other can barley understand.
There can be snobbery about the location you live, Toronto and Vancouver appear to be the best places but Alberta is seen and the road paved with gold location.

There are some cities that tourist visit more then others and some host them better then others:
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Charlottetown, PEI
Toronto, Ontario
Niagara Falls, Ontario (here you can walk over a bridge to reach America)
Calgary, Alberta
Banff, Alberta
Jasper, Alberta
Vancouver, British Columbia
Whistler, British Columbia

but there is much to see in this big country, such as:
Northern lights
Icebergs
polar bears
Light houses
covered bridges
Mountains
the Prairies
lakes, rivers and oceans
wildlife, in the wild
and that is just for starters

Where ever in this big and beautiful country you decide to visit, if you decide to visit. welcome!!!